EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL: WHAT IS IT AND HOW TO DEAL WITH IT

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Emotional blackmail is a toxic behavior that can appear in every type of a close relationship in your life. It might be your friend, your romantic partner or your parent that uses you for their own benefit.
In this article you will get to know what an emotional blackmail is, how to identify it and how to deal with it.

Emotional blackmail: what is it?
Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation, where people close to us force us into behaving in a way that benefits them. It is much more than a pure verbal violence, because it requests consistency from the abuser.
What emotional blackmailers desire to have is our docility. They achieve it by cunningly using our insecurities and weaknesses.
Emotional blackmail isn’t always so obvious. The abuser makes it more subtle and gradual. They use punishment and reward ongoing. This means that the abuser may show us affection, support and attention to compensate for their bad actions. In this way they model us into still caring for them, but
being unable to stand up to them.
Behavior that also characterizes emotional blackmailers is using our guilt. They tend to turn the situation into making us feel as if we are responsible for their difficulties.
Usually, emotional blackmail is a manifestation of abuser’s own insecurities. It helps them deal with a feeling of losing control or with a feeling of losing us. It makes them appear as more powerful and important than they truly feel. It also might be an effect of behaviors learned during childhood.

How to identify it?
It is not always easy to realize that we have become a victim of emotional blackmail, especially if all that we can remember from our relationship with the abuser is them acting in a toxic, manipulative way.
Because of that, we might not notice that their behavior is a part of emotional blackmail, but take it simply as their “personality”.
According to Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, who are the authors of a book “Emotional Blackmail:
When people in your life use fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate you”, identify six main steps of the
process of emotional blackmail:

1. DEMAND:
   The demand can be expressed in direct or indirect way. They clearly state what they want or they make us guess, so they do not have to word it at loud. At first we might get an impression of
   them just pleasantly asking for something, but after a while, it is clear that they already made their mind and it is not up to negotiation- it becomes a DEMAND.
2. RESISTANCE:
   We disagree with the abuser and try to show them that we do not feel comfortable with their demand–we RESIST
3. PRESSURE:
   When the abuser realizes that we are not willing to submit to them, they try to change our mind.
   At first it might seem as if they want to discuss everything in a healthy way, however it quickly turns into a vicious way of influencing our opinion. Among many, the abuser might use our
   insecurities, arise a feeling of guilt or take advantage of our feelings towards them– they built the PRESSURE
4. THREAT:
   The abuser continues the process of changing our mind by suggesting the consequences of our disobedience. They might say that they will hurt us or that they will hurt themselves if we won’t submit to them. They use various ways of making us panic, such us saying that they will leave us or stop loving us– they THREAT us.
5. SUBMISSION:
   Even though we might still be unsure of the abuser’s demand, we go along with it. At this point weare too scared of their threats, so we simply agree– we become SUBMISSIVE to them.
6. REPETITION:
   After the win, the abuser starts to show their love and approbation. We start feeling safe and secure in the relationship again, even if we are still unsure of the decision we made. We feel relieved that the whole situation came to an end.
   This is how the patter is made: now the abuser knows that by putting pressure on us, they will make us agree to whatever they demand. On the other hand, we learned that the quickest way
   of ending the pressure put on us is by submitting– the cycle REPITS again.
   
   Howtodeal with emotional blackmail?
   The first step is to recognize what an emotional blackmail is and what is not. In this way, you will be able to distinguish between manipulation and healthy boundaries setting.
   You should try to remain as calm and confident as possible. You should take your time and don’t feel pressured into responding under influence of emotions.
   If you feel mentally and physically safe enough, another thing to do is a conversation. Communication is a crucial thing, so telling them how they make you feel and giving them opportunity to change that might help.
   Most importantly, identify your triggers. Emotional blackmailers always hit into our weak points. If you will become aware of your own triggers and will learn how to control them, you take the abuser’s power to use them against you.
   
   In conclusion, emotional blackmail is all about using someone’s guilt or fear to pressure them into completing a demand.
   A person who manipulates you this way may use various techniques, such us silent treatment, guilt-tripping or playing on insecurities. Having a relationship with an emotional blackmailer
   does not necessarily writes the whole relationship off, but it requires some work on it, for example, setting your boundaries or identifying your triggers.

Kornelia Pacholec
korneliapacholec@gmail.com

Sitography:
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/emotional-blackmail#signs
https://www.healthline.com/health/emotional-blackmail

Bibliography:
“Emotional Blackmail: When people in your life use fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate you” by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier.